GBL 1/GBL 1.iso/gay_text/solarfox.txt

Text File | 1992-10-15 | 10.6 KB | 153 lines

Just wanted to say hello to everybody. While I am not really "new" to BBSing, I
feel as though there are lots of you out there that don't know a lot about me.
I basically "came out" in 1984. Someone recently told me that if it weren't for
BBS's, he wouldn't be out of the closet. I have to agree. I started BBSing in
1983, and about that time there was only one or two gay BBS's in the Atlanta
area, the Cherokee Trading Post it was called. It was much like JBBS, another
early up-and-comer, in that it had a gay back-side. Cherokee's gay backside was
called the Cub-Match-80. There was a Match-80 in Atlanta back then, I think
there still is. It, however isn't really gay oriented whereas the Cub-Match
was.
I say "was" because it is, of course, no longer around; the late Bobby Amell
was the sysop of that board back then. I won't get into any details on his
death.
I'm not trying to impress, depress or otherwise BORE anyone, I'm just trying to
talk a little bit about the beginnings of gay systems around Atlanta.
Oh sure, there were plenty of other types of "specialty" boards around Atlanta
then too, but I suppose then as well as now, there has always been the problem
of letting "everyone" know where the gay systems are without paying an arm and
a leg for CompuServe, GEnie, or whatever other pay services there are out
there. I have seen two young gay males attempt to openly communicate with
themselves on more than one occasion on otherwise "straight, socializing"
boards without going through proper channels, apparently stopping at nothing to
branch communication. Oh yes as I recall, they didn't use handles - they used
real names because that particular board wasn't "handle" oriented, and in fact
in my early days of BBSing there were few boards that accepted "handles" as
modes of signing on. On most boards, passwords were either optional or not
necessary, a while back.
I logged onto Bobby Amell's board back then as "gay," even though at that time
Iwasn't really out, I was challenging it. I did this several times, and I
finally decided to stop playing "mind games" with myself and to get on with
what I knew had really been me all along. Women had never done anything for me
anyway, but I guess if I had to "label" myself, it had come down to that.

I live in Marietta, Georgia. I don't necessarily LIKE it here, but being that I
haven't ever really been financially stable enough to leave, I am still living
at home. Because I live in Marietta and so forth, I had never been exposed to a
lot of male to male activity. I had been exposed to some, but it had been few
and far between. Everyone these days seems to be concerned about 95% with how
you LOOK and the other 5% seems to be with how well you perform in bed or doing
other things. I say that's bullshit. Looks are not everything; since I have
come out I feel that mentally I have come full circle; I want a permanent
relationship where I see a lot of people satisfied with one-nighters. I guess I
was lucky in that I came out just prior to the time that AIDS really hit the
fan; thank God it didn't drive me back in.
As I was saying, looks aren't everything. I know that I am the type of person
that likes to cuddle up and get cozy, and sexually I'll do just about anything.
Still, I'd rather get to know you first. You know how some of these
questionnaires are, they get in-depth, but they don't cover ALL bases. Still, I
care about people. I suppose at times I can care too much. I'm not on an ego
trip; I don't smoke and I don't do drugs. I don't drink except on occasion and
even then it's nothing but a beer. I guess I am really the kind of person that
likes to get inside people's heads and find out their likes and dislikes;
dislikes are probably more important because it tells me right away what to
steer clear of. And believe me, I do.. I am not the kind of person who likes to
toy with emotions! I've had my emotions toyed with enough!
I had I would guess a typical childhood; but when you consider the amount of
socializing I used to do was about zero, it wasn't so typical. In elementary
school my grades were never really that spectacular; and in middle school they
REALLY tumbled. What was it? I had this little kid bottled up inside me and I
couldn't let it out; I felt confined, trapped. I guess in the back of my mind I
wanted the pretty boys, but I couldn't lead myself to do anything. I couldn't
get high off someone else's body because I thought they couldn't get high off
me.
I know now that was why my school went downhill for me. I was interested in the
other boys - too AFRAID to look and too afraid to say anything. When I was
eight we were watching this kid from next door, a foster kid whose parents were
going out of town for some reason, and the first night he slept with me in my
bed. I love how parents will let like-sexes sleep in the same bed with you, and
unlike-sexes in other beds.. it's wonderful. He ended up that night putting his
dick up my ass, nothing really happened and I don't think he knew how to fuck.
He just put it up there and pulled it out a few times.. and I loved it. I
didn't resist, at all. I'm glad now that I didn't.
Everyone wants to know "when was your first sexual encounter?".. well, I guess
that's about the first REAL one I can remember, but I would swear that I was
about five or six when I had a neighbor show me his - I think he was about
fifteen. I was reluctant to suck it; we were standing in this box in the front
yard. Why is it some things are etched in stone that are out of the ordinary
and day-to-day life tends to be forgotten? Hmm...

I consider myself to be a passive person generally, I suppose I could be
dominant if I wanted. But I could definitely be a top or a bottom. I claim
responsibility for the SMRDAY files - it started off innocently enough and it
seemed to blossom for me. Not everyone gets into water sports; honestly I'm not
sure that I would so much if I were with someone else. I'd like to think I can
conform, and I'm sure I can. I want to be there for somebody. Sixteen is
probably a bit young fr most people too, but in fact I began to realize.. I am
27 and it wasn't so long ago that I was 16. I know that I wouldn't want a
relationship with someone that young though! Which leads me to something else.
At 14 and 15, my grades were no good in school at all. I couldn't channel
myself; all I could do was aggravate people. You've heard of "negative
attention"? Irritating and grinding on someone's nerves - be it repeating
something over and over.. or whatever.. until the person wanted to punch you
out. You know, it's funny - now that I think about it, it was GUYS that I would
do it to. Probably guys that I wanted to give me attention in other areas, but
the way I was going about it, it was impossible. The teachers said that I was
"just warming a seat."
In 1976, my parents put me in a private school. I was there, in Kennesaw, five
days a week. I was also seeing a shrink then that I had been seeing since 1974,
around the time the grades really dropped to an all-time low. The school was
called Devereux. There are several Devereux's scattered about the country;
there's one in Texas, one in Pennsylvania, one in Maine, etc.. I guess in a way
they're sort of like Brawner's. Anyway, it was interesting there, I still
failed pretty generally, but I was closer - much closer - to being "in" to
doing things with other boys. It seemed there were other kids there with sex
hangups and things. I saw just about everyone in my dorm at one time or another
stark naked; at times they flaunted it, and at times they raved about it. Yet
they all claimed to be straight. At the time I kinda thought I was going
through hell, but soon I realized that I was in "dude paradise".
It was $1050 a month at the time to live there five days a week. From what I
understand, it was $1500 a month for full-timers. No doubt with the
construction they've had there in the last twelve-thirteen years, it's probably
well over $2000 a month. The director's name was [and is] Comerford; most of
the guys called him Comerfuck, but.. not to his face.
There were guys there from all over the country. There was one supposedly
"admitted" homosexual that was there that I never really had a chance to have
contact with; ideally I think it would have been interesting if I had come out
at that stage in my life, and told all those bastard psychs on campus because
then they might have been able to get a grip on me; there is nothing wrong with
me, I just need some incentive in life, but of course back then I wouldn't have
even admitted being gay to MYSELF let ALONE any psych. It was interesting, that
the guy that was "thought" to be gay was soon sent to the Devereux in Texas..
what did IT have that this one didn't?
For the past several years I have been trying to get the incident cleared out
of my head as much as possible - oh, the nightmares I used to have about that
place after the fact. I haven't had any lately, and I don't know that I will
have any more. I can't stand repeat dreams like that.
I never really saw anybody else there actually "jack off".. but I did get my
hands on some cock there a couple of times. Still, while one incident may have
been reported, I was never "caught in the act." I find that interesting.
For one year I was there like that, and I was also in the Boy Scouts which gave
me a reason to leave on Tuesday nights. There was even one guy in the Scouts
that knew I was gay and had shown me some skin before, but I never did have the
sense to follow through with anything. Perhaps that was actually better. The
second year in Devereux I just went during the day, for school, and then the
year after that Cobb County started a Special Education thing going which was
similar to that kind of thing. It was in Smyrna.

All this time never really thinking about girls. It was like I've known, but
for some reason I was scared of the word, "gay". Not anymore. My parents still
don't know - my mother may have her suspicions and so forth because I told her
in 1984, but I quickly had to deny it because I knew she showed signs of not
taking it in a sane fashion. "Whatever is more comfortable for her," I thought.

Now my ears long for someone to call me a little queer, a little faggot -
because I am just as happy hearing that as anything.

Just something I thought I'd share with you all. And too, my real name is
Mitch, but I am trying to get it changed to Jason. It will probably take a
while to get this legally done, but I do like Jason a lot better. Which is one
reason I use it on the boards.

Happy BBSing...
Jason